Drug Addiction*

Wendy Hart

The drug addict thrives on chaos - the more the merrier. And when there is none, they create it in abundance. All these intense and vivid emotions validate the addict's "right" to their drug addiction. It gives reason and permission for the drug addict to go and use. After all, look at all the chaos going on around them. It's not their fault!

When we first met, he was working full-time and pursuing a college degree. He was the most loving and romantic guy I'd ever known. He would surprise me with a bouquet of flowers at work. He would have a layout of candles, wine and cheese waiting for me after work. He would rub my back and romance me.

After 5 years we planned and had our daughter, Brianne. He loved that girl so much! And he graduated from school the following May. But then...somehow things started to slowly fall apart. I saw changes in him, and tension and resentments started creeping in.

One of his "bosses" seemed to have a weird bond with him that I couldn't put my finger on. He was always more interested in being with him and his wife than he was with me. I was now working two jobs to support our family, while he was out "wining and dining" with this other couple without me because they felt he needed a break away from the "drudgery" of family-life. I later came to know that this "good friend" would make deals with my husband like - "if you'll go buy me some dope, I will give you some for free for your effort."

He withdrew from me more and more. I, (the unsuspecting partner) became the source of his (the drug addict's), ire. I became the causative factor for all his unbearable living arrangements in order that he could justify his need and right to use. After all:

"She doesn't respect nor understand me; and if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have all these problems."

"She has emasculated me by questioning me about where I go and when I will be home, and she's always checking up on me."

"She doesn't trust me with money and I have to beg and cajole to get a dollar or two" (but of course it's not stealing when he takes it from my wallet because if I would have just given it to him in the first place, he wouldn't have to be doing it this way).

I was totally unaware of any history of youthful use/abuse of narcotics and street drugs. I never saw evidence of any drug use as an adult in the now 7 years we had been a couple. However, what came to light once he went into recovery concerning his long love affair with drugs was totally shocking and appalling. As time passed he seemed to spend his waking hours thinking of ways to create a hostile and intolerable home environment. This would give him the excuse he needed to storm out of the house in a self-righteous rage that made all this insanity seem perfectly normal in order to feed his cravings, all the while blaming me for all the wrongs in his life.

It all started out so gradual that many signs were missed. For example, when he would first go out, he would tell me some story about going for groceries or out to visit a friend. He'd tell me he'd be back in 2-3 hours but it would be 5-6 hours. At first it was once or twice a week, and then it escalated to 3-4 times a week. Then later, he'd disappear for 2-3 days. Since we shared only one car, that meant I was left without any transportation. One day he took our daughter to daycare and never returned to pick her up. I had to get a taxi in order to retrieve our child! Sometimes he would leave just a few hours before I was due at work and not return in time for me to go to work. I would then have to pay for a taxi to take me to and from work, a $30 trip each way. The taxi would also have to drop the kids off at the sitter's place, since he wasn't home to watch them, which cost me an additional $90.

Finally I was able to get this man to drug rehab. I really thought at this time that we were back on the road to getting our lives back together. I missed and hoped to find again the loving, kind and beautiful person that he used to be. Boy was I wrong. First of all, this rehab was solely for the "user." It was run by former, recovering addicts whose only interest appeared to be in the poor, desolate soul they hope to salvage. Family is no where in the picture. After all the years of selfishness and selfish acts that this drug addict has perpetrated on his family, I'm waiting for the big turn around where the focus is off of him for a change and back on all of us loyal folks who have stuck around through thick and thin. I thought this time would be a healing experience for all of us, where we all could seek sanctuary. But I was wrong.

So, even in rehab, there was still to be no place for the significant others who suffered along with and at the hands of the out of control junkie. So here he is, very much like a little puppy dog who poops everywhere and then walks around in it until he ends up with poop all over himself. Then he jumps up on all of the people who love him and care for him, covering them in his mess, too. Finally he looks down and sees that he has poop from head to toe on himself, and so becomes very upset about it. Then the rehab people step in to comfort and clean the little doggie, rescuing him from the filthy situation he is living in. Meanwhile, the rest of the family is left standing there with his poop all over them, and no one will even show us where the bathroom is!

So there he was, safely tucked away - first in a sterile hospital for detox, and then whisked off into the loving arms of his compassionate fellow addicts to begin his stint in rehab. They tell him that this is the time he needs to be selfish and concentrate on himself and his needs in order to heal himself. My feeling was that he had already been selfish enough with all the years of use and abuse. So now I'm left home on my own to face life and the daily responsibilities of working and taking care of the family. At this point I have a one year old, a four year old, and a mentally handicapped 12 year old to take care of. So now to top it all off the 12 year old handicapped son becomes so freaked out by losing the only man he's ever known as his dad that he has a mental breakdown. Dad went into the hospital on a Friday. Son becomes so psychotic that he ends up in the same mental facility where his dad was detoxing on Sunday!

Finally my husband tells me that they've recommended that he goes and spends up to a year in a halfway house instead of coming home. I was so mad! I hated those demons who ran that rehab! I needed him home so that we could work on us as a family. I missed him and I needed his help, but they kept treating me like I was his dealer, saying that the worst thing that he could do was to go home.

After three months in the halfway house, he said he felt he was doing better and so he wanted to come home. I told him not to come home for me. I told him to stay until he was totally ready to leave. I told him to work on him, and that I would work on me. He did come home, but within a few months of his return I took the kids and moved into an apartment.

At this point I felt I just needed a break from the situation and time to "find myself." I felt a lot of pent up anger and resentment in my heart, which left little room for any other feelings. I felt that I wanted to hate him and remember all the pain of countless betrayals. I didn't want to "forgive and forget." I felt that if I did, and I stayed with him, I would find myself right back in the middle of the same relationship that would end up becoming the death of me.

So there I was one day, sitting on my couch alone in my apartment, with the TV to keep me company. Then something inexplicable happened that changed me forevermore. Although I could count on one hand with fingers left over the number of times I ever bought a real TV Guide, for some reason I had been compelled to do so sometime prior to this moment. The magazine was just lying there on the couch and I picked it up to check out what was now playing. I just randomly flipped it open and when I looked at the pages I saw a big picture of the Reverend Billy Graham. The caption above him said "the power of forgiveness." All of a sudden I felt a warm soothing feeling start at my head and gently caress me as it quickly, yet lovingly moved down my body and then out and then it was gone. As it left, it took with it all the feelings of anger and aggression I was harboring toward my husband for all those years of emotional abuse and pain.

I have never been a religious person, but I have been a spiritual person, and this incident certainly spoke to me on a higher level than any earthly conversation I had ever had, even though no words were actually exchanged. After that, I forgave him. I also realize that forgiveness does not mean that all is forgotten. What it does do is release and empty all the acrid emotions from the heart that keep it from receiving the soothing and healing love which enables one to live again.

*These submissions represent the author's opinion. Tunguska Time does not claim responsibility for the content. Not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent disease. Always consult a doctor for medical advice.